She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
