Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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