brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She made me pour olive oil on her.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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