I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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