The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
