I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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