Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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