I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
