well I can't set my house on fire every night
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
