The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
