He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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