I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
