You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
