My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
