The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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