if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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