so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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