Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
