Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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