They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
