Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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