Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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