I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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