It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
