he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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