Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
