you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
