Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
