New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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