You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize