I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
