Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
