i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
