I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
