once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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