Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
