why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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