make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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