guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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