who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
two words...techno handjob
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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