I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
