well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
