Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
