Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
