I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
