Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You may now shotgun with the bride
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
