I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
