I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
