you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
