she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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