By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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