that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
