I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
