Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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