i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
