I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sorry about my life...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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