I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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