Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
