Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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