I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
