There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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