I think I can smell my own vagina right now
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
