So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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