I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
