i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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