Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
